You’re pregnant? CONGRATULATIONS!! Have I got some advice for you, mama. Eat vegetables. Lots of vegetables! But plenty of protein, too (but no deli meat WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??). Are you eating enough? Are you sure? You’re carrying really small. Have you gained enough weight? It’s not healthy for the baby if you’re that skinny, you know.
Wait, no, I didn’t mean for you to eat half that cake by yourself. Don’t you know eating for two doesn’t REALLY mean eating for two? You still have how many weeks to go? Yikes, think you’ll make it? You’re REALLY big. Are you sure it’s not twins? It’s not healthy for the baby if you to gain that much weight, you know.
Are you exercising? It’s important to stay fit. You definitely want to stay in shape. Why aren’t you working out more? You’ll have more energy if you do. It’s not healthy for the baby if you’re sedentary, you know.
Wait, no, I didn’t mean for you to lift THAT much weight. Are you sure it’s safe for you to be doing that? Here, let me carry that. You’re still going to the gym? Did your doctor say it’s ok? I mean, I guess if your doctor said it’s cool, but...if it were me, I just wouldn’t want to risk it, you know? It’s not healthy for the baby if you overexert yourself, you know.
How’s your stress level? Are you sleeping enough? I hope you’re calm and well-rested. Sleep while you still can, ha ha! *wipes tear from eye after laughing at own joke* But seriously. You need to be chill and get enough sleep. It’s not healthy for the baby if you’re really stressed out, you know.
Wait, no, what are you doing? No coffee for you. You can’t function without it? Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you got pregnant. You’re having half a glass of wine to relax before bed? Seriously? If you can't go nine months without one sip of wine, I really don't think you're ready to be a mom. It’s not healthy for the baby for you to have any alcohol or caffeine. Ever. In any amount. Ever.
Are you trying for a natural birth? Well, don’t try to be a hero. It’s not like you get a medal for having a drug-free birth, amiright? You’re having your baby in a birth center? Yeesh, I’d want to be in a hospital in case something went wrong. Things could go south just like THAT. *snaps fingers* It’s not healthy for the baby if something goes wrong.
Wait, so you decided to have a hospital birth? Have you ever seen The Business of Being Born? You need to do your research, is all I’m saying. Doctors just want to give you a c-section, so I hope you at least have a doula and a solid birth plan. Birth is NATURAL! Why would you go to a hospital! Here, let me email you some information about the effects of epidurals on breastfeeding rates. It’s not healthy for the baby if you have any drugs during labor.
YOU HAD YOUR BABY!! CONGRATULATIONS!! Do you think you’ll miss being pregnant? It’s such a magical time. *sighs wistfully*